When Your Heart Stops Beating -+44

Didn't go to school today because there's something wrong with my heart. Woke up as usual at 6.30am after snoozing for 30mins. Wanted to go bathe but i kept feeling this poking feeling at my heart area, so I told my mother I wasn't feeling well, so I went back to rest.

And I woke up at around 11.15am startled, because there were lots of loud thumping outside my house. I thought someone wanted to break in, so i slowly crept to the living room, hiding behind the wall into the living room. Listening attentively, I found out it was actually the rooftop. They were doing some maintenance upstairs.

I observed my surrounding. The emptiness, silence and solitusion. The same feeling I get during the 5 months of rotting at home.

I looked at the table. A cup of coffee plus a stack of toasts. Cold toasts. I was hungry so I sat on the 'couch' and ate the cold toast... I didn't switch on the television. I just ate in silence.

They were still doing some minor maintenance upstairs, and the noise has drastically reduced. As I was eating, some guy slot a letter under the front door. It's from SP Services. And it's not the first letter we got. Since I'm part of the household, I have the right to check what it's about. And I know it's nothing good.

"Reduced rate of water flow..."

"Due to outstanding balance despite numerous reminders..."

The bill: $600+

That could've explained why there was so little water flowing out of the tap when I went to use the bathroom then.

That started me thinking:
My family is in debt.
Cable bills not paid, therefore cable tv is cut, therefore we only have the basic channels. That means no more MTV for me.
My handphone bills not paid. It has risen to 1k+ when the amount was supposed to be only $300+
Bills, bills, and more bills. I wonder when we can live debt-free. I know. Never.
Some more my father's an engineer, earning about $3k/-. And what the fuck did he spend on with that much money?
I know, lending his friends, going on fishing trips when he's supposed to pay the bills. And finally,motherfucking cigarettes.
This explains why on days towards the end of the month, I won't even have allowance to spend on food when I go to school.

The house in a mess, and most of them is due to my father's junk lying around the house, especially the kitchen and the living room.
This explains why we only have 1 bathroom in use. Because the idiot keeps the bicycles inside the kitchen's bathroom, which I think is bloody disgusting.
Stacks of spare tyres and bicycle rims in one corner of the kitchen + various tools to fix them.
A bowling ball rack filled with bowling balls. And most of them he doesn't even use anymore.
And 2 hamster cages, 1 hamster in each sitting on top of the bowling rack.
Fishing rods at another corner of the living room.
To summarise everything, my house's a fucking mess.

I witnessed abuse in front of my eyes. It happened to me when I was small.
My family, is not dysfunctional. It has malfunctioned.
Our relatives don't visit us during Hari Raya anymore.
We live in solitusion.
I live a sad life.

And the only hope for me is her.
There isn't anyone who loves me as much as she does.
I envy her for having such a caring family.

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There's something wrong with my heart. I hope it goes away eventually.

Let's enjoy this Wednesday, shall we?